


Best Man For The Job

by Tarlan



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Community: mcsheplets, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-21
Updated: 2007-10-21
Packaged: 2017-10-21 04:06:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/220721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarlan/pseuds/Tarlan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another planet, another ceremonial wedding, but why does Rodney always get the ugly brides?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Best Man For The Job

**Author's Note:**

> Written for:  
> LJ mcsheplets - prompt 004: Weddings  
> LJ fanfic100 - prompt 080: Why?

Rodney stared at the dark-haired woman seated across the fire from him, dressed in bright red plumage from some avian creature that barely covered her more than ample flesh. Rodney had seen sumo wrestlers smaller than this woman, smaller than most of her family, in fact. Gareeta smiled coyly before looking up and presenting him with a big grin full of poor dental hygiene and licorice-blackened teeth. Her ample bosom swelled and, as she reached for more of the sugary licorice-tasting root, Rodney was hard pressed to withhold a feeling of nausea.

"I bet this never happened to SG-1. How comes I always get the ugly ones...Ouch!" He glared at Teyla but she seemed totally unrepentant for the hard jab in the ribs with her bony elbow.

She whispered out of the side of her mouth. "You would do wise not to antagonize our hosts, Rodney, especially by insulting the daughter of the chieftain."

He hissed at her, keeping his voice as low as possible. "No...Oh no, I'm sorry but I am not going to go through some charade of a marriage with the ugliest woman in two galaxies just so we can procure root vegetables and licorice sticks."

"Rodney," Sheppard stated through gritted teeth but Rodney was not going to be shushed.

"And why me, anyway? Why not Ronon...or, preferably, you?"

He gave Sheppard an accusing stare because Sheppard was quick enough to jump in when the woman trying to gain Rodney's attention was some hot scientist, preferably cute and blond like Norina and Sam - oh yes, he hadn't forgotten the bowl of Pegasus fruit - but Rodney wasn't really that discriminating when it came down to it. After all, Katie had red hair, though Rodney was still trying to figure out why she dumped him, citing John as the reason, especially as he hadn't seen Sheppard hanging around her or the botany labs, and he'd denied having anything to do with the break up.

"I'm not doing it," he stated.

"Rodney, it's not a real wedding." Sheppard whispered. "They're not expecting you to ravish the bride after the ceremony. It's just a goodwill gesture."

"Then you do it." He crossed his arms in defiance.

"But she doesn't want me, Rodney. She wants you, and that makes you the best man for the job."

"Never stopped you before."

Sheppard turned to him, eyes wide with disbelief. "What?"

"Norina? Sam? That cute scientist on M7D-5TMF?"

"Where?"

He rolled a wrist. "The one with the big red bugs."

"I hate bugs."

"Yes...but at least they weren't expecting you to marry one of them." He snarked back. "Ouch! Quit it with the elbows, Teyla!"

The chieftain finished with his praises to the ancestors, seeming not to notice the lack of full attention from his guests, and offered a bowl of something black and viscous to Rodney.

Sheppard snarled under his breath. "Drink it, Rodney, or so help me I will kick your ass all the way back to the gate."

"Fine! But if this sends me into anaphylactic shock..."

"Rod...ney!"

He took a tentative sip, almost shuddering at the strange sweetness of the pseudo-licorice and handed it back to the chieftain. The bowl was passed to Gareeta, and she drank greedily, wiping the spillage with the back of her hand.

"Now, you must co-join. A dwelling has been prepared for you."

Rodney turned to glare at Sheppard, expecting to see him sniggering but was surprised to find Sheppard glaring at Teyla instead. Teyla gave a sickly but friendly smile, tilting her head graciously as she spoke to the chieftain.

"It was my belief from your words that this ceremony was for appearances only."

"And such is the case, friend Teyla. The annulment of the marriage will come after he has presented his seed to his wife."

Rodney looked in horror from Sheppard to Teyla, and then to the now wildly grinning mountain of a woman who had stood up eagerly at the mention of going to the 'honeymoon suite'. She had to be as tall as Sheppard, but three-times broader than Ronon.

"Oh, I just bet this never happened to Jackson and O'Neill, but then they didn't have Colonel Matchmaker leading their team."

"Seed?" John asked disquietly. Rodney wanted to clip him upside-the-head because it was pretty obvious what they wanted, and it wasn't a flower bed.

"His pale skin and summer-sky eyes will add great diversity to our gene pool, though we would have wished him to be taller. But he has a strong body, with fine broad shoulders and well-muscled arms and legs."

Was Sheppard blushing at that description? Sheppard stood up, hand drifting down to the P-90 clipped to his vest, and the others stood too leaving only Rodney still seated. He clambered to his feet, staring up at tribal warriors that stood at eye-level with Ronon and who, therefore, towered over him.

Sheppard's voice was honey-sweet with menace, "I think there's been a misunderstanding here." His eyes had narrowed, lips tightening into a grimace passing for a smile that had never boded well in the past - for his enemies, at least. Teyla interrupted before Sheppard could 'explain' further.

"My apologies, Chieftain Lacreet. We were under the impression that this was a mere formality for trade rather than a true marriage of man and woman, requiring no exchange of seed. Rodney McKay cannot share his seed with your most precious daughter."

"Why?" The chieftain had pulled himself up to his full, impressive height, and Rodney swallowed hard at the thought of being forced to have this man as a father-in-law, though that was surprisingly less harrowing a thought than being crushed between the red giantess' thighs during totally unwanted sex.

"Because..." Teyla seemed to flounder.

Ohgodohgodohgod...think of something. "Because I'm betrothed to another?" He refrained from saying more at another dig from Teyla's elbow, this time catching him under the ribcage in the fleshy part. "Hey, watch the liver! I've only got one of those and I need it, thank you very much."

"Betrothed to another." The chieftain laughed, his warriors laughing with him. The laughter stopped abruptly. "No longer, for now he is betrothed to Gareeta." He nodded at the two closest warriors. "Take him to the ceremonial dwelling."

The P-90 snapped up before the warriors could take a single step and the next thing Rodney knew, they were running, branches snapping against his body, against his face, while blood curdling yells followed them as they crashed through the undergrowth. Somehow, they managed to reach the Stargate and, while the others held off the mob by shooting over their heads - or stunning them in Ronon's case - Rodney dialed the gate and sent his code, yelling when it was safe to enter the wormhole.

Rodney sank to his knees on the gate room floor, the adrenaline rush having drained all the energy out of him. He waved off Keller. "Just need... to catch my breath."

He watched in confusion as Teyla advanced on Sheppard. "What was that, Colonel Sheppard?"

"What? You saw them! They had every intention of forcing McKay into that...that ceremonial hut."

She stared at him a moment longer. "If you had waited a little longer, I would have resolved the situation peacefully."

"Well, they didn't look they wanted it resolved."

"Tell him, John."

"Tell who...what?" Sheppard looked nervously in Rodney's direction.

"If you do not tell him then I will." The finality in her tone had Sheppard straightening.

"Now, Teyla, you know I can't..." he wheedled.

"What is the saying? That was not a threat, it is a promise." She turned gracefully and stalked away after glancing in Rodney's direction.

Ronon cocked his head to one side and stared at Sheppard. "She's right. You should tell him." He nodded towards Rodney before walking away too, leaving Rodney still kneeling on the gate room floor, more bewildered than ever.

"Tell *him* what?" he asked.

Sheppard looked extremely uncomfortable, barely able to meet Rodney's eyes. Eventually, he looked up towards Sam Carter instead. "Can we, maybe, postpone the debriefing for an hour. It seems I have something to say to Rodney."

Sam looked equally bemused but she nodded. Sheppard grabbed at Rodney's arm, hauling him up.

"Ow! Watch the arm! It's attached you know. What is it about you military types, always manhandling me?"

"Rodney, just..." He sighed impatiently, grabbing the edge of his TAC vest and dragging him forward.

"Hey!"

"Now, Rodney!"

"Okay, fine." He murmured under his breath, disgruntled by the heavy handed pulling and pushing as Sheppard forced him to Rodney's own quarters, not even waiting for an invitation before walking in, mentally commanding the door to shut and lock, then grabbing the back of Rodney's neck in one hand.

The kiss was hard, almost brutal, tinged with anger but undeniable in its need. Rodney froze in shock as Sheppard's mouth assaulted him, tongue pushing past his lips to taste and suck. He felt Sheppard freeze too at the lack of response, and waited as he pulled back his head, looking almost sick.

"Rodney...I'm..."

"Sorry?"

He started to step away but Rodney grabbed his arms, holding him tight even though he knew John could escape his grasp anytime he wanted.

"You *were* cock blocking! No, no, no, don't deny it," he waggled a finger, "You so were... And all this time I thought... but you were... Did you drive Katie away too?"

John looked even more sick and embarrassed, unable to face Rodney, his muscles bunching up ready to shake off Rodney's grip but he looked back up in annoyance when Rodney started to chuckle.

"You... You wanted... You..." Rodney sobered as John's lips pursed in anger. "You idiot," he said affectionately, ignoring John's faint complaint at being called an idiot. "All this time I thought you were only interested in those hot women and... You wanted me?"

Rodney shook his head as John flushed pink with embarrassment. "Idiot," he stated again, low and affectionate, and before John could react, he leaned in and kissed John back, deep and hard and wanton, licking into his mouth, tasting and sucking, humming with pleasure that could barely be contained. Finally, he pulled back and stared into dazed, hazel-green eyes, seeing his own reflection in the blown pupils.

"Of course you'd want me." He stated arrogantly, enjoying the way those beautiful eyes refocused solely on him, a touch of annoyance in their depths at his teasing. "All you ever had to do was ask," he murmured softly and, this time, when he leaned in for another kiss, John met him halfway.

THE END


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